when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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