Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
