textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
