I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
