someone threw a dead crab at me
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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