We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
