Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
