I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
