I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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