nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
