it hurts more in the daytime
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize