"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
