I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
