Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
