Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
