I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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