I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
