Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
