some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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