bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
