Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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