I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Two words: nipple clamps
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