can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize