he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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