I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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