Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
false alarm. still invincible.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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