You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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