is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
