saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
