Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
