there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
