I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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