I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
