I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize