I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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