Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
