his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
