my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm both gender and math confused
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
