every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
