I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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