ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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