I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize