What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
