I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
no you cant smoke seaweed
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
