Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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