I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
