He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
