I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
