Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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