If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
