did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
