i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Two words: blizzard sex
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
