You made me cry and you don't even care
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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