i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
babies were throwing up all over the place
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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