btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize