I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
