just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Where did you get a picture of my penis
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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