On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
