Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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