census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
