this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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